4:33 p.m. - 2006-04-09
I'm very angry with my father. I don't understand why I had such a hard time admitting this.
I miss him so fucking much.. But I am still so angry with him.
Everyone keeps saying that he loved me more then anything and he would do anything for me. I was his favorite child. I am his favorite child. If this is the case then how could he be so selfish? How could he go to a smokey bar and have a cigar while knowing that he was told "you smoke one more time and you won't make it." How could he do that to me?
I know he loved me. If there is one thing that I will never have to doubt in my whole life it was that my father loved me more then anything on this damn earth. Yet for 5 minutes he let his love of smoking over ride his promise to me.
AND I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM
But damnit do I fucking love him and miss him. I wish it had been and not him. I wish he was still here and I was gone and didn't have to feel like there's this huge fucking gaping hole in my chest which it letting everything just leak out of me.
How can someone feel so numb all the time but still hurt so much? How is that even possible?
My alarm went off the other morning and I sat up in bed and in my head I screamed "DAD!" I realized I had been cying in my sleep because my face was dried with tears and my once straight hair was wavy and damp from tears during the night. I wish I could remember what I had been dreaming about. Maybe it was him trying to tell me something and I can't remember.
I just need to know that he's happier now. That he's okay where ever he is.. I thought this was suppose to get easier but I hurt more every day and it's only getting worse..